Left 4 Dead Interviews!
by Max8080
Summary: Starring Max! The creator of Percy Meet Dora returns in another attempt at lulz. Review and ask the characters questions, and they will answer!  Unwillinly, of course.  NOTE: No zombies were harmed in the making of this fanfiction. Much.
1. Hunter

**A/N: I'M ALIVE! After a while of complete isolation from , I figured I'd give you guys a treat. I originally wanted to do a truth or dare, but it looks like interviews will work just as well. So here it is, L4D Interviews!**

**Disclaimer: Valve owns L4D…That's it.**

**(ALSO: I don't want any bull about script-style. Go troll the hundreds of other scripted stories before you ruin mine.)**

Me: Ah, what a lovely day it is! A great opportunity to kidnap some zombies! …AUTHOR POWERS!*

*Hunter magically teleports to stage*

Hunter: Grrrrrr, snarl, snarl…

Me: Whoops! Forgot to equip the Translation Bowtie!

*Fastens dorky bowtie to Hunter*

Hunter: …Grrrr… What the h*** is this?

Me: It's a Translation Bowtie! It allows Infected to talk normally! (With an added bonus of making you look like complete retards!)

Hunter: I heard that! *lunges*

Me: *dodges, Hunter lands in a random fangirl pit*

*Fangirls squeal and glomp Hunter*

Hunter: Gahhh! How do zombies even HAVE fangirls?

Me: *shrugs*

*Hunter teleports back into chair*

Hunter: Why am I here, anyway?

Me: To answer questions from reviewers! Although since this is only the first chapter, I'll be doing the questions!

Hunter: Fantastic. *rolls eyes that may or may not exist*

**Why do you wear duct tape on your arms and legs?**

Hunter: 'Cuz it's cool.

*Dead silence*

Me: …and…

Hunter: …That's it.

**Is it fun jumping from building to building and climbing walls?**

Hunter: It reminds me of Spider-Man, except without the weirda** spandex. But to answer, yes. Yes it is.

**Do you and the Witch have a dating relationship?**

Hunter: …..

**Well, do you?**

Hunter: It's a frackin' zombie apocalypse! Why should I date anyone, let alone the Witch!

**Fine, jeez, I was just asking.**

**Final question: What's under your hoodie?**

Hunter: *sigh* Do you really want to know?

**YES Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes—**

Hunter: Fine.

*Lifts up hoodie, revealing… Black sunglasses*

Hunter: **DEAL WITH IT.**

Me: *Punches pillow* Fine, time to go home. Here's your taco.

*Hunter receives taco*

Hunter: :D

Me: Do you like cheese on your taco?

Hunter: Nah. *takes bite* I'm lactose intolerant.

Me: Too bad.

Hunter: D:

Me: Trolololololololololol

**A/N: Whew! Done! If you want the interviews to continue, review and post your questions! Whichever character gets the most questions will be the one I interview next! So Review!**

**Max8080 out, PAECE!**


	2. Witch

**A/N: Well, only 2 people have actually sent in questions, but I'm pushing on! Time for the Witch!**

**Diclaimer: Valve = Left4Dead**

** Me = nothing.**

Me: Welcome back to Left 4 Dead Interviews! Next up, we'll be interviewing everyone's favorite emo zombie, the Witch!

*Witch teleports on stage*

Witch: Whaaahh… Huh? GGGRRRRRRRR

[!] Max8080 startled the Witch!

Me: OH SH— *Which b****-slaps Max to the next dimension*

Me: *teleports back, chains Witch to chair* Are we going to be good?

Witch: GGrrrrr…

Me: What? I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am! Let's use the Translation Bowtie!

*Clips Bowtie to Witch*

Witch: Grrr… Who are you?

Me: Max. 8080.

The Third.

Witch: Oh. Hunter told me about you. I suppose you want to interview me, right?

Me: Hahahahaha… YES.

**Why do you cry so much?**

Witch: Because… Because… Well, let's say you have an itch on your back, right? And you can't scratch it. Now visualize anyone that could help you, and replace them with zombies. Now give yourself knives for fingers.

Me: Oooo…

Witch: And that's why I cry.

**How come you have such little clothing?**

Witch: Who submitted that one?

Me: Our cameraguy.

Witch: *Turns to cameraguy*

Witch: *seductively* Wanna *sexy pose* find out?

*Cameraguy bursts into flame and cremates*

Witch: That's better. Next!

**What's your relationship like with the other Infected?**

Witch: Well, like I said before, no one will scratch my back, so I hate all of them.

Me: Oh. We—

Witch: Except Jockey.

Me: Jockey? Why?

Witch: I think it's hilarious when he steers people right into me, and I'm all like, AAAARRRGGGHHH!

And they're all like, D:

Me: *Sniggers* I guess that is kind of funny.

**BOOM!**

?:EEEEAAAAHHHH!

Me: Gah! What's that noise?

?: EGAHYAYAYAEEEEE!

Me: *Grabs Translation Bowtie ans follows the voice* Gotcha! *Applys Bowtie*

?: EEEAAAOOOooooh, that's much better.

Me: Who are you?

?: What? Can't you see- *looks* Oh, hold on a sec while I change my script name.

Me: *Twiddles thumbs*.

Screamer: O.K, That's better.

Me: Screamer? What are you doing on stage? And more importantly, how did you get to this universe?

Screamer: I have a question to answer.

Me: … *Checks reviews* OH, RIGHT! O.K, Mr. Screamer,

**Why were you cut from Left 4 Dead?**

Screamer: Well, it was a normal day at Valve, and I was screaming in the Infected Ideas room. I decided to scream louder and louder. Eventually, my scream grew so loud, it made Valve go deaf, and as a result they couldn't hear their fan's desperate pleas for Half-Life 3. *Ba-dum ching* And that's why.

Me: Wooo, that was a doozy. Well, it's time to go home.

Witch: O.K.

Me: Hey, didn't you say you cry because no one will scratch your back?

Witch: Yea.

Me: Do you want—

Witch: OMG! Would you really do that for me?

Me: Hahaha… No.

[!] Max startled the Witch!

[!] Max is screwed!

**A/N: Well, that wraps up another episode of Left 4 Dead Interviews. Keep the reviews and questions coming, and the character with the most questions will be interviewed next!**

**Max8080 out, PAECE!**

**P.S. And remember, Karma Charger is always watching.**


	3. Smoker

**A/N: Wow, 5 new questions! You rock! I was torn between Tank and Smoker, but I'm an author of my word, so Smoker is next since he got more questions.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Valve. Left 4 Dead does. Or is that backwards?**

**(By the way, I'm aware that Tank and Smoker have the same amount of questions. However, at the time I wrote this, Smoker had more.)**

Me: Hi there! Welcome to the third chapter/episode of L4D Interviews! Next up on our hit list of characters is the Smoker! AUTHOR POWERS!

*Smoker teleports to stage*

Smoker: Grr—

Me: TRANSLATION BOWTIE! GO! *Applies Bowtie*

Smoker: …Is this some kind of sick joke? A bowtie?

Me: What? *Adjusts shirt* Bowties are cool*

*Gets fined $20 for using a Doctor Who reference without a disclaimer*

Me: Darn. Oh well.

Smoker: Where am I?

Me: you're on Left 4 Dead Interviews! The show/fanfic where—

Smoker: Cut to the chase!

Me: We want to interview you.

Smoker: Oh! Okay!

Me: Great! Let's get started!

**Do you really smoke?**

Smoker: No. How do you expect me to hold a cigarette with my claws? I'm sure as h*** not using my tongue! …But I used to. A lot. To the extent that tumors grew on my face upon infection.

Me: That must be a lot.

Smoker: I constantly had Camel boxes strapped to my belt.

**Then what's with the tongue?**

Smoker: … I have no idea.

**How long is your tongue?**

Smoker: Let's find out. *Starts rolling tongue out*

*2 hours of confusion later*

Smoker: D***it! This is like trying to find how many licks to get to the center of a d*** TOOTSIE POP!

Me: Calm down! I just looked on the internet. It says about 100 feet.

Smoker: Oh.

**Are you related to the Southern Smoker?**

Smoker: We're actually the same species. Southern Smokers just keep smoking after they're infected, and so have more tongues and tumors. And magically grow jeans and a T-shirt.

Me: How is that possible? I mean, how come all the Special Infected wear the same clothes?

Smoker: Umm… IDK.

**Have you ever thought dirty about your tongue?**

Smoker: _Thought _dirty? Are you kidding me? Come on! I do this for a living! Zoey is my PET! I AM A TENTACLE RAPIST AND I AM PROUD!

Everyone: *Backs up slowly*

Me: O_o

Smoker: :o

Me: …

Smoker: :/

Me: :(

Smoker: :(

Francis: I hate emotes!

Me: Well, that does it for this chapter! Remember to send in your questions! See you next time! And remember,

_**Karma Charger is always watching.**_


	4. Tank

**A/N: Hallo! I am *sniffle* so proud of your faithful comments. I didn't think twice about which character I should do next, Tank won by a landslide!**

**Disclaimer: Valve owns Left 4 Dead.**

Me: HALLO! Welcome to the third *slap* fourth chapter of Left 4 Dead Interviews! Today we'll be interrogating the giant wall of fat *slap* muscle, the Tank.

*Tank teleports in the room*

Tank: RAWR!

Me: *Applies Bowtie*

Tank: RAWR! WHERE AM I?

Me: You're on Left 4 Dead In—

*Tank punches Max, Max flies off stage and into the fangirl pit*

Fangirls: Ooh, it's Max8080, the sexiest author alive! WOOO!

Me: AAAARRRGGHHHH! *Teleports onstage* We're here to interview you.

Tank: OH. O.K.

**Do you eat spicy food?**

Tank: NO. WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION IS THAT?

**Are you on steroids?**

Tank: NO! …MAYBE! …

Me: *Stare*

Tank: YES.

**Have you ever tried an apocalypse sundae? (Read the misadventures of a curious hunter for the recipe)**

Me: Nice try. I'll R&R the fanfic you advertised later.

Tank: I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THAT.

**Have you ever tried to be a ninja Tank?**

Tank: THAT'S KIND OF HARD TO DO WHEN THE SECOND YOU STEP ON SCENE, SPECIAL MUSIC STARTS TO PLAY.

Me: Yea, you're right.

Tank: AND THEY'RE ALL LIKE, D: , AND I'M ALL LIKE, RAWR!

Me: O.K, I think we get the picture.

**Can you king*** (Boomer)?**

Me: …

Tank: WTF?

**Why are you talking in ALL CAPS?**

Tank: BECAUSE IT MAKES ME LOOK INTIMIDATING TO THE COMMONS. *Common Infected run around screaming like little girls*

Me: *Casually glances at reviews* OH! THE COMMONS HAVE QUESTIONS! CATCH THEM! *Runs around randomly waving until he catches one*

Me: Gotcha! *Applies Bowtie*

Common: Hurr?

Me: I need to ask you some questions.

Common: K. *Derp*

**How can so many of you hide in a bathroom at once?**

Common: We don't hide there, we're just sexually attracted to the smell of toilet water.

Me: D:

**Are you envious of the Specials because they have better abilities?**

Common: Not really. The Specials may be cool, but they're the first ones to get shot. Plus, they have all these weird body parts, like tounges and long necks. We're more human then them.

Me: That was a great answer. So what are you going to do now?

Common: Think about it. I'm ugly, gross, no-good, slimy…

Me: So…

Common: I think I'll be a lawyer.

Everyone: :D

Lawyer: :/

Me: and that's it for this episode of Left 4 Dead Interviews! Remember to keep sending in those questions! See ya!

And remember,

_**Karma Charger is always watching.**_


	5. Boomer

**A/N: HEYA! I am alive! I will now write the next chapter of L4D Interviews. Where have I been all this time?**

**PROCRASTINATING.**

**But I'm here now. And everything will be just fine.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own L4D.**

Me: Welcome back, faithful viewers! I'll just cut to the chase today, we'll be interviewing the Boomer!

*Boomer appears on stage.*

Me: *Applies Bowtie* Welcome, Boomer! You're on L4—

*Boomer blows chunks on Max, soaking him in vomit*

Me: EEEEEEWWWWWWWW! *Commons swarm in, and Max tries to fend them off* Back! Back, you savage be—

Me: *Falls into the fangirl pit from the first chapter*

Fangirls: ZOMG It's Max, the sexiest author alive!

Me: NOOOOOOOOOO… *Get's dragged off*

*Dead silence*

Boomer: Urrgh… I take it that's not supposed to happen?

Voice: Author incapacitated. Dispensing Temporary Author.

*Huge mass of wires and machinery appear on stage*

?: Hello, and, again, welcome to the Aperture—Wait. This isn't Aperture.

Boomer: O.o

Voice: Temporary Author dispensed. Uploading briefing.

GLaDOS: Ah. I see. Alternate—Auth—Fangi—Fine. I'll do it. But only because I don't have access to the deadly neurotoxin manufacturing line.

Voice: Challenge Accepted. Dispensing questions.

**When you step on a scale, does it say "To be continued"?**

GLaDOS: What kind of a question is that? Scales aren't programmed like that.

Boomer: …

GLaDOS: Well… Does it, Bomber?

Voice: Boomer.

GLaDOS: I know what I said. Bomber is more appropriate. Does it, Bomber?

Boomer: …Yes. :(

GLaDOS: Hmm. It seems rabid, infected humans are just as insulted by weight variances as regular humans are. I'm writing that down.

**Did you know your Infected summoning skills were meant for the Screamer?**

Boomer: Yes. I did know that. He was going to be in the game, but Valve painfully extracted his skillz and put them in me.

GLaDOS: "Valve" Sounds like my kind of person. Maybe I should "meet up" with him and run some tests.

Me: I *glomp* wouldn't *glomp* recommend that *MegaGlomp* Ahh! Jeez, LET GO, D***IT! *UberGlomp* AAAHHH! AUTHOR PO—

*Fangirls glomp Max out of existence*

GLaDOS: He would make a horrible test subject. Next.

**How many Big Macs did you eat before you turned?**

Boomer: Not that many, actually. I tried to stay healthy.

GLaDOS: *Stare*

Voice: *Stare*

Fangirls: *Stare*

Max's Ghost: *Stare*

Janitor: *PedoStare*

Boomer: Over 9000.

GLaDOS: I thought so. Hmm, there are no more questions. My work here is done. So _put me back where I belong right now._

Voice: Temporary Author Challenge completed. Kicking Temporary Author.

*Giant boot appears and winds up*

GLaDOS: You have got to be kidding m—

*Boot kicks GLaDOS all the way back to Aperture*

Voice: L33t Author Powers Charged. Reviving Author.

*Max appears on stage*

Me: AAAGGGHHH! What happened? Oh. That happened. Sigh… I wanted to interview the Boomer, too.

Boomer: So can I go home now?

Me: No.

*Boomer pukes all over Max, and the Commons nudge him back into the Fangirl pit*

Me: NOOOOOO *UberGlomp*

Voice: Author incapacitated. Dispensing Temporary Author.

Gordon Freeman: …

**A/N: Finished! That does it for this chapter. Be sure to review! I will give thee a cookie! **

**Max8080 out, PAECE!**

**And remember,**

_**Karma Charger is always watching.**_


End file.
